All the Wrong Places NG

In 1998, I took an intro filmmaking class, which shot on 8mm film. Given the audio sync limitations of that format, I stylized it as a classic silent film, however also given modern video technology, thought I could do better (though I do rather like the way the style worked in the class film). But that means coming up with a real script. I took a screenwriting class shortly after, and got the first 8-9 pages of something I rather liked, but wasn't sure where to go from there. Maybe if I put it up here, something will jog, or someone else will have a good idea to carry it forward...

Title: All the Wrong Places NG Author: Alan Batie, et al

EXT DAY residential

Rainbow flags fly from several houses along an otherwise typical, older, but well maintained, residential street.

EXT DAY Adam's house

At one house, not yet flying such a flag, several men unload a moving van. ADAM, in his early 30's, obviously in charge, stands at the front door overseeing the operation. HAROLD, in his late 20's, a professional body builder who could be a Tom of Finland model, picks up an antique mirror and stumbles, narrowly averting disaster.

ADAM

Be careful with that, Harry! It's 300 years old!

HAROLD

You know I hate that name!

RICHARD, a mountain man with a neatly trimmed beard in his mid-30s, and GREG, also in his mid-30s, maneuver a dresser and start to follow Harold down the ramp. GREG is a typical boy next door, but is looking a little nerdly with a cell phone and a small computer, a little bigger than a PDA, on his belt.

ADAM (CONT'D)

Be careful with that Har-OLD. It's still 300 years OLD.

RICHARD

At least that's what the cute salesboy told him.

They stop for a moment and GREG holds up a hand with his thumb and first finger apart.

GREG

Is that the same one who said that this is 8 inches?

ADAM

Very funny. The mirror goes in the living room and the dresser in the master bedroom.

HAROLD GREG AND RICHARD

(in unison)

Yes, MASTER.

They laugh, Adam grins, and they all disappear into the house.

EXT DAY Steve's house

A classic old-style porch fronts a traditional home. STEVE stands at one end of his porch watering plants and watches the goings on of Adam and company --- especially ADAM. After a moment, he turns and goes back into his house.

EXT DAY Adam's house

The men come out of the house and go into the truck for another load.

ADAM

Let's get the entertainment center next. It's going to take all of us.

They all stare at the very large entertainment center and wipe the sweat off their foreheads.

RICHARD

Couldn't you have dialed a little cooler weather into that computer of yours, Greg?

STEVE

(off camera)

Perhaps this will help...

The guys turn in unison. There stands STEVE outside the truck with a tray full of frosted glasses and a pitcher of lemonade.

STEVE (CONT'D)

You boys look like you might be able to use a little something to drink in this faab-u-lous weather we're having.

They go to the back of the truck, where STEVE sets down the tray, points at GREG and waggles his finger.

STEVE (CONT'D)

And don't you dare dial it any cooler in whatever gadget you have there. My plants just adore this!

STEVE starts pouring glasses of lemonade for the crew. They thank him as they pick up their glasses, but the conversation continues.

STEVE (CONT'D)

(looks to Adam)

By the way, I'm Steve, your new door neighbor.

(grandly)

Welcome to Paradise.

ADAM

I'm Adam, and these are my friends Richard, Greg and Harold.

STEVE

So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?

All but ADAM roll their eyes. GREG beats them to the punch.

GREG

The Zookeeper.

ADAM frowns at GREG GREG grins in response.

STEVE

You were shacking up with the chimpanzees and the zookeeper kicked you out?

ADAM

He means my ex. First it was just a single bird...

<trans>DISSOLVE TO</trans>

INT DAY ADAM'S PREVIOUS LIVING ROOM

ADAM sits on a couch reading a magazine in a small, very tidy living room. There are several more magazines very carefully stacked on the coffee table. THOMAS, a hairstylist in his late 20s, enters sporting the latest in hair design. He shows ADAM a birdcage with a brightly colored PARAKEET in it.

THOMAS

Isn't he pretty?

(then to the bird)

And you're soooo sweet too!

Thomas sets the cage down on the coffee table, then reaches in and the bird hops onto his finger. He lifts the bird up towards ADAM.

THOMAS (CONT'D)

See? Isn't he sweet?

ADAM looks skeptical, but reaches out a finger. The bird SQUAWKS, then nips at it.

INT DAY ADAM'S PREVIOUS LIVING ROOM

The parakeet is in a small cage between the chairs. THOMAS shows ADAM a PARROT. One of the magazines is out of place on the coffee table.

ADAM

(V.O.)

Then it was two...

<trans>DISSOLVE TO</trans>

INT DAY ADAM'S PREVIOUS LIVING ROOM

A several cages of birds have been squeezed in amongst the furniture. The magazines are scattered all over the table.

ADAM

(V.O.)

...then ten...

<trans>DISSOLVE TO</trans>

INT DAY ADAMS PREVIOUS LIVING ROOM

Now, a huge aviary fills a large portion of the room. Furniture has been removed to make room for it. The coffee table is one of the items missing. There are smaller cages on each side of the aviary, and all are filled with BIRDS, plants, bird toys, etc. Magazines are on the floor around the cages to catch droppings. Others are scattered haphazardly around what little furniture remains, some open. There is a CACOPHONY of bird cheeps, chirps and squawks.

ADAM (V.O.)

then a hundred and ten.

EXT DAY ADAMS HOUSE

STEVE looks at ADAM in amazement. HAROLD, RICHARD and GREG shake their heads. RICHARD and GREG try to feign boredom, but their amusement shows through.

ADAM

I could have dealt with that, but it wasnt enough for him

<trans>DISSOLVE TO</trans>

INT DAY ADAMS PREVIOUS LIVING ROOM

A large salt-water aquarium sits at one end of the room the only piece of furniture remaining is a single chair. The magazines not used for bird droppings are trying unsuccessfully to lean up against the base of the aquarium. There are a number of FISH in the aquarium. An IGUANA rests on THOMAS shoulder as he feeds the fish. Adding to the cacophony are the sounds of the aquarium pumps and bubbling aerators. THOMAS sports a Mohawk, and with the iguanas head next to his, the resemblance to the iguanas crest is obvious.

ADAM (V.O.)

He had to have fish too, and then an iguana, and then

<trans>DISSOLVE TO</trans>

INT NIGHT ADAMS PREVIOUS BEDROOM

A small aquarium sits on top of the bookcase headboard of the bed, and small birdcages grace the nightstands on either side of the bed. In the bed, THOMAS and ADAM passionately make out while the birds CHIRP lightly in the background. The bedsheets cover their lower bodies until

ADAM

Ouch! God Damn!

ADAM throws off the covers, and something small and furry disappears from under them into the dark. It is SHERLOCK, THOMAS FERRET. ADAM rubs his ankle.

THOMAS

What is it? Are you ok?

ADAM turns to THOMAS.

ADAM

No, Im not ok. Your damn ferret just bit me.

THOMAS looks shocked and jumps up to find and comfort the frightened ferret.

ADAM (CONT'D)

I've had it! Either these animals go, or I do!

THOMAS

Sherlock! Its ok, he didnt mean to scare you!

ADAM

Scare HIM!?

THOMAS stops and looks at ADAM.

THOMAS

You dont mean that? You wouldnt leave me would you?

EXT DAY ADAMS PREVIOUS HOUSE

A moving van pulls out of the driveway.

EXT DAY ADAMS HOUSE

The group stares in amazement at ADAM.

GREG

Fortunately, my zookeeper leaves his pets in the wild.

GREG puts his arms around RICHARD as STEVE gives GREG a puzzled look.

RICHARD

I'm a park ranger, and I spend most of my time keeping track of the wildlife.

HAROLD

And sometimes even the animals in the park!

GREG

We've been together 5 years now.

ADAM

And at this rate its going to take another 5 years to get unloaded They get up and put their empty glasses back on the tray.

ALL

(individually)

Thanks!

EXT DAY ADAMS HOUSE

ADAMs back patio is the scene of a barbecue. A couple of dozen people are talking and drinking, while ADAM grills. Steve is opening a beer at the drink cooler, but his eyes are on ADAM.

HAROLD

Since were neighbors, lets be more than friends?

STEVE jumps and almost spills his beer.

HAROLD (CONT'D)

Sorry, but I couldnt help noticing the holes you were drilling in Adams back. He will make someone a good catch someday. Want to apply?

STEVE

What are you? His social secretary?

HAROLD

Oh heavens no! We had our fun, but neither of us were ready to settle down. I don't think I ever will, but Adam, he's the marryin' kind. Only trouble is, he's rather like Goldilocks: (in a high voice) "Too soft", "Too hard".

Harold gives Steve that youve got to be kidding look.

HAROLD (CONT'D)

"Too hot", "Too cold" (now in an attempt to imitate Yoda) "Never just right is anyone".

STEVE gives HAROLD a bottom-to-top once-over, ending at his eyes.

STEVE

Just Right is all relative

ADAM stops grilling for a moment to survey his guests and spots HAROLD and STEVE flirting. RICHARD and GREG come over.

RICHARD

Looks like Harold and Steve are hitting it off well

ADAM

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

ADAM doesnt look too happy about it though.

INT NIGHT GAY PIANO BAR

RICHARD, GREG and ADAM sit at a table in the back of a small, relatively quiet, piano bar. There are mostly guys at the other tables, and a PIANO nearer the front is being played.

ADAM

So it looks like Harold and Steve are hitting it off quite well.

GREG

You dont sound too happy for them. Do you still have a thing for Harold, or are you falling for Steve?

ADAM

Harold? No, thats ancient history. His attention span lasts about two weeks.

RICHARD

So it is Steve then?

ADAM

Noooo, I mean he's ok, but I don't think he's Mr. Right by any means.

GREG

And who would Mr. Right be this week?

ADAM

Very funny. You know what I like --- beefy hunks with a brain. Pecs of death

RICHARD

...and 6-pack abs. Harold, in other words.

ADAM

No! I told you, that's history.

The WAITER stops by the table on his rounds. He is very well built, and his clothes are tight fitting, showing off his body.

WAITER

Can I get you boys anything?

INT NIGHT GAY DANCE BAR

ADAM, RICHARD and GREG have just gotten their drinks in a typical, crowded, dance bar. Loud DANCE MUSIC drowns out any hope of conversation, though the CHAOTIC NOISE of the various attempts make up the remainder of the sounds.

The small group makes their way over to the dance floor. THOMAS is dancing in one corner, and there is a clear area around him. Nearby dancers are keeping a wary eye on him, careful not to get too close, but he is oblivious to this. Hes too engrossed in the music and incorporating the SNAKE he has looped about him into his dance movements. His hair is flared a bit and dyed to look like a cobra hood.

ADAM, RICHARD and GREG put their drinks down and start dancing. A MUSCULAR MAN watches them with a calculating look, then also goes out and starts dancing near them. He and ADAM make eye contact. Muscular Man smiles, and ADAM smiles back. They start dancing with each other in an increasingly sensual way. Eventually, they start kissing and whispering in each others ears. Finally, Adam goes over to Richard and Greg, says something to them, then leaves with Muscular Man. Richard and Greg watch, then look at each other, shake their heads and continue dancing.

INT NIGHT ADAMS BEDROOM

ADAM and Muscular Man are kissing standing next to the bed. In the background is a bookcase full of books mostly, but there is a BOOM BOX on top and the top interior shelf is filled with CDs. There are also a few laying next to the boom box, as well as wad of CASH.

The two undress each other and fall onto the bed.

INT DAY ADAMS BEDROOM

ADAM wakes up the next morning and rolls onto his side facing the other half of the bed. He discovers that its empty, then notices that the entire room, save the bed, is empty, stripped bare. He groans and falls back down onto his pillow, staring at the ceiling.

EXT DAY STEVE'S FLOWERBED

STEVE is weeding one of his flower beds, the one which borders ADAMs front yard. ADAM is talking to STEVE as he weeds.

ADAM

...and the room was stripped bare.

STEVE tries to be sympathetic, but its just barely working.

STEVE

How you could have slept through your room being stripped?

ADAM

We had a nightcap after, well, maybe a few nightcaps...

STEVE

I see.

ADAM

Speaking of which, you and Harold

have been seeing each other for

what, two weeks now?

STEVE

(laughing)

Something like that. Well see what comes of it.

From here on is more of a tentative plot outline, though I'm not really happy with it

FIRST CRISIS HALLOWEEN PARTY

STEVE mistakes ADAM for HAROLD and flirts with him. This

is the first time theyve had to deal with their attraction face-to-face, and they brush it off. THOMAS is dressed as a

Tasmanian Devil and has a rabbit with him.

THANKSGIVING

At Thanksgiving, the five all go to Hawaii to spend a week hiking the Na Pali Coast of Kauai.

They meet up with Joe, a travel agent from Honolulu and

end up hitting it off and Joe joins the group in their

explorations.

Joe and Harold develop an attraction, trying to hide it

from Steve, while Steve and Adams attraction builds (yet

they keep suppressing it).

Richard and Greg watch it all with pointed commentary,

trying to get Steve and Adam together without getting directly involved. These attempts are to have humorous

results, almost slapstick.

The tension builds until a final moment when Harold decides that a week with Joe was fun, but enough.

Greg plays with his gadgets for a subplot.

Harolds not really in love with Steve either though, so

they break up and Steve and Adam finally acknowledge their

attraction and commit to each other.